Welcome to The Funny/Alerts Newsletter. Boy have I been busy the past two weeks. ComputerLand Reno changed locations on the 12th and 13th. The week before was full of packing; the week after - unpacking. We're about 80% settled in and at least I'm not living out of boxes, although there is still a few who are. The new building is much closer to home and more centrally located to our clientele. It's also not directly in the flight path, which is nice. The Service area is MUCH nicer and it's large enough to house all of the Service personnel. (In the old building we had Networking on the other side of the building). There's a 2nd floor Conference Room with a great view of the mountains and it's perfect for eating lunch and catching a "Power Nap" afterwards. That is, as long as someone isn't using it for testing a printer!
On another note, I just finished a great book that, despite it's small size, contains some of the biggest ideas ever. It's called ANYWAY by Kent M. Keith and unlike the "Chicken Soup..." series each story actually brings out the philosophy that culminates into each aphorism. This book truly is "... about the grace, wisdom and happiness that come from facing the worst in our world with the best in ourselves." What a timely work.
See the story in MeatSpace, below.

Signed,
Co-Conspirator To Make The World A Better Place

===
GRINS & GIGGLES:

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While they are waiting, they begin to wonder, "Could they possibly get married in Heaven?"

When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sits and waits for an answer. After several months, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asks the frightened couple.

"OH, C'MON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

[thanks to Jennifer Leiker for this one]

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MEATSPACE ALERT:
Anyway
by Kent M. Keith

The Origin of The Paradoxical Commandments

The Paradoxical Commandments were written by Kent Keith in 1968, when he was 19, a sophomore at Harvard College. They were part of The Silent Revolution: Dynamic Leadership in the Student Council, his first booklet for high school student leaders. Here is how it all came about.

As a senior at Roosevelt High School in Honolulu, Kent was heavily involved in student government. He was student body president and also president of the Honolulu High School Association. He was excited about the challenges of leadership and good leadership techniques.

Because Hawaii did not have a student council leadership workshop to train student council leaders, Kent founded the Hawaii Student Leadership Institute, which held its first session in the summer of 1966. This was the first leadership workshop for high school student leaders that was founded and run entirely by high school students.

Kent went on to attend Harvard. During his four years as an undergraduate there, he gave more than 150 speeches at high schools, student leadership workshops, and state student council conventions in eight states. These were the turbulent sixties, when student activists were seizing buildings, throwing rocks at police, and shouting down opponents. Kent provided an alternative voice. In his public speaking, Kent encouraged students to care about others, and to work through the system to achieve change. One thing he learned was students didn't know how to work through the system to bring about change. Some of them also tended to give up quickly when they faced difficulties or failures. They needed deeper, longer-lasting reasons to keep trying.

"I saw a lot of idealistic young people go out into the world to do what they thought was right, and good, and true, only to come back a short time later, discouraged, or embittered, because they got negative feedback, or nobody appreciated them, or they failed to get the results they had hoped for." recalls Keith. "I told them that if they were going to change the world, they had to really love people, and if they did, that love would sustain them. I also told them that they couldn't be in it for fame or glory. I said that if they did what was right and good and true, they would find meaning and satisfaction, and that meaning and satisfaction would be enough. If they had the meaning, they didn't need the glory."

In his sophomore year at Harvard, Kent began writing a booklet for high school student leaders that addressed both the how and the why of leading change. The booklet was titled The Silent Revolution: Dynamic Leadership in the Student Council, and it was published by Harvard Student Agencies in 1968. The Paradoxical Commandments were part of Chapter Two, entitled "Brotherly What?" 

"I laid down the Paradoxical Commandments as a challenge," Keith said. "The challenge is to always do what is right and good and true, even if others don't appreciate it. You have to keep striving, no matter what, because if you don't, many of the things that need to be done in our world will never get done."

He revised the booklet and a new edition, The Silent Revolution in the Seventies, was published by the National Association of Secondary School Principals (NASSP) in 1972. Somewhere around 30,000 copies of the two editions were sold in the late sixties and early seventies. Kent also wrote two other booklets for student councils. The Silent Majority: The Problem of Apathy and the Student Council was published by the NASSP in 1971, and Now You're in the Middle: A Handbook for the Student Council Adviser was published by NASSP in 1972.

Immediately after publication of The Silent Revolution, the Paradoxical Commandments were used by student leaders in speeches and student newspaper articles. Over the past 30 years, they have spread throughout the country and around the world.

---
The Paradoxical Commandments
by Dr. Kent M. Keith

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with
the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

---
My favorite line in the book is "If you're not giving the world your best, what world are you saving it for?" Do yourself a favor... read this book. Then pass it on. Our world desperately needs the ideas contained therein.

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TRUE STORY:

An elderly Sun City Center resident called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She's hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." he says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Senior moment?

---
DEARLY DEPARTED: When Lish Divan Taylor, 56, died, quite a few people were ready to eulogize him at his funeral at the Greater Pine Grove Baptist Church in Loxley, Ala., including several ministers. The Rev. Orlando Bethel, the husband of the dead man's niece, was one. He told shocked mourners that Taylor was "a drunkard and a fornicator" and was in Hell. Someone turned off his microphone, but Bethel was ready for that: he reached into a canvas bag and pulled out a bullhorn so he could keep going. The crowd would have none of that -- they jumped him and dragged him out of the church. (AP) ...You have to love a preacher who remembers the first three letters in "funeral".

ON THE RECORD: While Michelle Youngblood of Muncie, Ind., was reading her local newspaper she recognized a name in the marriage license listings.
Her husband's. She called the police. Leo Youngblood, 26, has been charged with bigamy, a felony in Indiana. (Muncie Star Press) ...Bigamy: one of the few crimes with a built-in punishment.

YOU CAN PLAINLY SEE HE'S CRACKED: Ulf Buck, 39, a blind psychic from Meldorf, Germany, can't "read" palms, so he has developed a different procedure to divine the future: he feels clients' bare buttocks. He says his customers consider his blindness an advantage since "I can do it without recognizing them again in the future." Plus, he says, "The bottom is much more intense -- it has a much stronger power of expression." (Reuters) ...Though few really consider that a plus.

OMEN: Josie Avanessian's house in San Jose, Calif., attracts birds, but not the sort she welcomes: they're turkey vultures. "They started coming two years ago," she says. It's a good spot for vultures: the roof has a view of the Santa Clara Valley. (San Jose Mercury News) ...It's official, then: the "dotcom crash" isn't over yet.

WHY SOME PEOPLE PREFER THE COMPANY OF ENEMIES: "Farm Worker Axed Friends to Death, Court Told" -- PA headline

===
FUN SITE:
Going postal

How much will it cost to mail this box of boxer shorts to Bermuda? What about this container of chocolate for cousin Chuck from Croatia? And how can I forget this package of pink pajamas for Peggy in Poland? No need to worry, friends, cause this site provides postal rates for a plethora of places. That's quite practical, especially considering U.S. first-class rates went up recently. Check out the links to information on different stamps from around the globe, as well as the global currency converter. There's also a ton of links to other postal sites. As for me, I'm just going to stick stamps to my face and see how far I can get. 

http://www.postalrates.info/ 

===
SOFTWARE:

Dear Consumers,

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000 TEXAS EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the state of Texas. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands.

The TEXAS EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie Nelson superimposed on the Alamo.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct tape" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN TEXAS EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset..............try'er agin
Yes..................yep
No...................nope
Find.................hunt fer it
Go to...............over yonder
Back................back yonder
Help.................hep me out here
Stop..................kwitit
Start.................crank'er up
Settings............settins
Programs..........stuff at duz stuff
Documents.......stuff ah done did

Also note that the TEXAS EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2000:

Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
Colerin' Book..............a graphics program
Cyferin' mersheen.......calculator
Outhouse paper..........notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft Explorer 5.0
Pitchers......................a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the TEXAS EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all ya'll!

Billy Bob Gates

===
FAMOUS TRANSITION:
Yousuf Karsh.

A portrait photographer, Karsh specialized in politicians, scientists and writers. His ability to capture the essence of his subject was renowned: many of his portraits were used to make postage stamps, including those for Britain, Canada, Germany, India, Monaco, Sweden, USA and the Vatican. He is best known for the 1941 "bulldog" portrait of British Prime Minister Winston Churchill. Karsh was given two minutes to take the photo. Churchill smiled for the portrait, which didn't suit the statesman who was standing up to the Nazis, so Karsh took away his cigar. Churchill gave a massive scowl at the affront, which was just the look Karsh wanted. The resulting photo is perhaps the most- reproduced portrait in history. "My quest in making a photograph is for a quality that I know exists in the personality before me," Karsh once said. "I believe that it is the artist's job to accomplish at least two things: to stir the emotions of the viewer and to lay bare the soul of his subject." He died July 13 in Boston at age 93.

===
QUICK WIT:

Enlightenment, or true happiness, is not a transcendental state. It is a condition of broad wisdom, boundless energy and good fortune wherein we each shape our own destiny, find fulfillment in daily activities and come to understand our ultimate purpose in life.

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