Welcome to The Funny/Alerts Newsletter. Where does all the time go? I need more than 24 hours in a day... who do I talk to about this? Oh, yea! That'd be YOU, right? Well, I guess that I owe you a bigger, better Funny/Alert Newsletter this week because I just couldn't get it out last week.
So, without further adieu...
Co-Conspirator To Make The World A Better Place
GRINS & GIGGLES:
Jill, looking quite distressed, was sitting at the bar after work. After she had downed several drinks in rapid succession the bartender asked her, "You trying to drown your sorrows, honey?"
"You could say that," Jill replied.
"It usually doesn't work, you know."
"I know," Jill moaned. "I can't even get my husband near the water!"
- - -
I have a reputation at work for being a strict boss. One day I was in the break room with another manager. I reached into the refrigerator for my lunch, which was packed in a Ace Hardware paper bag.
My co-worker stopped in mid-bite and stared at me, looking a little tense. When I pulled my sandwich out of the bag, he sighed in relief.
"What's the matter?" I asked him.
"Uh, nothing." he replied. "I was just beginning to think you really DO eat nails for lunch."
- - -
Over the past few years more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research.
It is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
- - -
Something that's always amazed me:
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?
[thanks to Roy Howard for this one]
If you get in my way, I'll kill you!
- ideal project manager
If you get in my way, you'll kill me!
- somewhat less than ideal project manager
If I get in my way, I'll kill you!
- somewhat misguided project manager
If I get in your way, I'll kill you!
- A tough project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.)
If get kill in will way I you.
- dyslexic, functionally illiterate project
I am the way! Kill me if you can!
- messianic project manager
Get away, I'll kill us all!
- suicidal project manager
If you kill me, I'll get in your way.
- thoughtful but ineffective project manager
If I kill you, I'll get in your way.
- project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious
If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.
- project manager from New York
I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so
no one will get killed.
- project manager who is about to get in big trouble
If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares?
- weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager
If I kill me, you'll get your way.
- pragmatic project manager
Kill me, it's the only way.
- every project manager to date.
If we get in each others' way, who will get killed?
- An utterly confused project manager
Blast from the Past
Stroll with me... close your eyes and go back before the Internet, before bombings, aids, herpes, before semiautomatics and crack. Before SEGA or Super Nintendo. Way back!
I'm talking about sitting on the curb, sitting on the stoop, about hide-and-go-seek, Simon Says and red-light-green-light. Lunch boxes with a Thermos,
chocolate milk, going home for lunch, penny candy from the store, hopscotch, skates with keys, jacks and Cracker Jacks, hula hoops and sunflower seeds, wax lips and mustaches, saddle shoes and Coke bottles with the names of cities on the bottom.
Remember when it took five minutes for the TV to warm up. When nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids arrived home from school. When nobody owned a purebred dog. When a quarter was a decent allowance. When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces. When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done everyday and wore high heels.
Remember running through the sprinkler, circle pins, bobby pins, Mickey Mouse Club, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Kookla, Fran and Ollie, Spin and Marty..Dick Clark's American Bandstand... all in black and white and your Mom made you turn it off when a storm came.
When around the corner seemed far away and going downtown seemed like going somewhere. Climbing trees, making forts, backyard shows, lemonade stands, cops and robbers, cowboys and indians, staring at clouds, jumping on the bed, pillow fights, ribbon candy, angel hair on the Christmas tree, Jackie Gleason, white gloves, walking to the movie theater, running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard that your stomach hurt... remember that?
Not stepping on a crack or you'd break your mother's back and not stepping on a line or you'd break your father's spine... paper-chains at Christmas, silhouettes of Lincoln and Washington, the smells of school, of paste and Evening in Paris.
What about the girl who dotted her i's with hearts? (that was before that stupid smiley face)! The stroll, popcorn balls and sock hops?
Remember when there were just two types of sneakers for girls and boys (Keds and PF Flyers) and the only time you wore them at school was for gym where the girls had those ugly gym uniforms.
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked and gas pumped without asking -- all for free -- every time! And, you didn't pay for air either... and you got trading stamps to boot (S&H Green Stamps or Blue Chip)! When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.
When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to a dinner at a real restaurant with your parents. When the worst thing you could do at school was flunk a test or chew gum and the prom was in the gym or the lunchroom where you danced to a real orchestra. Remember when they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed -- and actually did it! When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was so much greater than the threat.
Remember when a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car -- used to cruise, peel out, lay rubber, scratch off or watch the submarine races. When people went steady and the girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped Band-Aids, dental floss or yarn coated with pastel-frost nail polish so it would fit their finger.
When no one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the car and house doors were never locked!
Remember lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a ..." And playing baseball with no adults needed to enforce the rules of the game.
Remember when stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger. With all our progress don't you just wish that just once you could slip back in time and savor that slower pace and share it with the children of today?
So send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger and Tonto, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans with Trigger and Buttermilk. As well as the sound of a real mower on Saturday morning and summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, bowling, visits to the pool and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar from the palm of your hand.
There, didn't that feel good? Just to lean back and say "Yeah... I remember..."
[Thanks to Bob Behling for this one]
In A Favorable Light
By Wendy Joevenazzo
A few years ago I went for my annual eye check-up at the specialist's office. I had hoped that they wouldn't use those eye drops that dilate your pupils and make your eyes very sensitive to light for hours -- but they did. I came out of the office into bright afternoon sunshine.
To catch a train back to my job in downtown Calgary, I headed toward the LRT (Light Rail Transit) station. But half blinded by sunlight, I stumbled off the curb and fell. I made a very undignified landing on my knees and elbows, and my glasses flew off my face. I looked around for them, or rather felt around for them, found them and picked them up.
They had landed in the worst possible way and the lenses had shattered. That was a nightmare come to life for me. Without my glasses I'm so nearsighted that I'm legally blind. I cannot see the big E on the eye chart.
There I was in an unfamiliar part of town, eyes ultra-sensitive to light, on a sunny day, couldn't see a thing, all alone. I couldn't help it: tears trickled down my cheeks.
I have enough vision to see a colored blur. I knew the general direction of the LRT station. I headed in that direction and as I got closer I could see where it was. I climbed the ramps to the platform but I was scared. I knew I wouldn't be able to see where the doors of the train were or what stops we were at. Even validating a ticket was going to be a challenge for me. I was getting pretty panicky.
It was about then that a young girl, somewhere in her teen years, asked me what was wrong and whether she could help me. I told her what had happened. She helped calm me down and offered to call someone for me. She put the coins in the pay phone and dialed my husband's office number; things I couldn't do for myself. He said he'd come get me. Then she waited with me until he arrived and handed me over to him.
That girl was a complete stranger. I could not recognize her if my life depended on it and she must have known that. She could have taken advantage of my situation and stolen my purse and all its contents. She could have ignored me. She could have left me to wait for my husband alone. She certainly missed whatever train she had been waiting for.
She'll never know how much I appreciated her kindness. It didn't cost her any money and not a lot of time but she was there. She didn't make me feel foolish. She made me feel safe. She's probably forgotten the whole incident, but I sure haven't.
"Get Out Of Hell Free" card
Why a parody of the MONOPOLYŽ card, as opposed to something else? MONOPOLYŽ simulates the world of business -- you win by making big bucks and bankrupting your opponents. You can get into big trouble while playing, like being sent to jail (sent directly to jail, without passing "Go" and without collecting $200)! That's pretty bad -- that $200 might have been the difference in winning the game. Yet you can get out of jail immediately, for "free", if you're lucky enough to have in your possession a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. But life is not as simple as what's portrayed in the game: going to hell has to be the ultimate in "getting in trouble". Unlike in the board game, money can't buy you out of hell. Our "Get Out of Hell Free" card's intent is to mock the triviality of the MONOPOLYŽ "Get Out of Jail Free" card -- just as in the board game, if you're in big trouble (and, according to certain humorless readers, the ultimate in "trouble" for me is hell!), you just slap down a card and waltz merrily away, leaving your opponent befuddled. Obviously, no one thinks an orange parody card will really keep them from going to hell, should that be part of their beliefs, but people do get the joke: no matter whether your trouble is being sent to a board-game jail or hypocrites are telling you you're going to hell for your "moral bankruptcy" (i.e., not believing the exact same thing they do), having the right card will set you free. (We're sorry to have to explain this rather obvious concept, but Hasbro's lawyers made us.)
OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD: Sheriff's deputies patrolling a music festival in Pasco County, Fla., couldn't help but notice Korey Bradd Henderson,
25, of Lakeland, Fla., in the crowd: he was wearing a bright orange uniform marked "Polk County Jail". The jail confirmed the uniform was stolen, apparently when Henderson was released from there earlier this year. Deputies confiscated the suit and sent him on his way. But when Henderson's probation officer got the police report on the incident, he ordered his arrest: Henderson was supposed to be on home detention, and had sworn that he had stayed home that weekend. He's now back in the Polk County Jail. (St. Petersburg Times) ... "The joke's on the cops, then," Henderson laughs. "I got my jail uniform back!"
JOLLY JOKE II: Jeffrey Price Barber, 44, of Richburg, S.C., thought it would be a funny gag to pull on his wife: he smeared ketchup all over himself, grabbed his .22-caliber rifle, fired a shot, and lay down on the floor. When his wife heard the shot she came running, saw him "dead" on the floor and called 911. Responding deputies weren't in a laughing mood. They found Barber had a police record and charged him as a felon in possession of a firearm -- a felony. He pleaded guilty and has been sentenced to 15 years to life in prison. (Charlotte Observer)... So Jeff, was it worth it?
WAIT! DON'T OPEN THAT BOX: Parents of students for an under-construction high school in Pandora, Ohio, are questioning the wisdom of school officials naming the school's sports teams the "Rockets" -- with the school mascot already procured for the school's lobby being a decommissioned 26-foot Navy attack missile. "We tell our kids not to bring weapons to school and then we hang a retired weapon in our school. It's very inconsistent," said a local pastor. (Toledo Blade)... Actually, it's extremely consistent with Rule Number One: "Do as we say, not as we do."
TALKIE TOASTER: Residents in Hooke, Dorset, England, were a bit shocked when toasters and other appliances began talking. In Russian. "It's unnerving," says John Dalton, chair of the Hooke Parish Council. "Normally it just makes toast." The problem has been traced to a high- power BBC radio station a mile outside town. The station's spokesman notes that "two different types of metal next to each other can pick up a radio signal. The two bits of metal act as a very basic diode and turn the signal into sound." He promises technicians will help homeowners clear up the interference, but first "I'd love to hear the toaster." (PA) ...Maybe later -- it just left on a world tour.
WELL, YEAH: "Invisible Man Disappears From View" -- Reuters headline
Actual epitaphs from gravestones
For not rising.
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
(John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery):
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.
She always said her feet were killing her
But nobody believed her.
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.
Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
So if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer I want you to blame Bill Gates... okay?
[thanks to Bob Behling for this one]
The kingdom of God is within you.
The last and most important branch of non-verbal education is training in the art of spiritual insight... To know the ultimate Not-Self, which transcends the other not-selves and the ego, but which is yet closer than breathing, nearer than hands and feet -- this is the consummation of human life, the end and ultimate purpose of human existence.