Welcome to The Funny/Alerts Newsletter. I am glad to say that Dungeon Siege has finally been released. Anne doesn't seem to be as happy about it as I am (I wonder why), though. I have to admit that I'm MIA most nights because of my DS obsession.
As you probably have figured out by now, the newsletter has been delayed because of this and I unashamedly admit to my lassitude. If you get the chance to see this game in action, I'm confident that you'll be as amazed as I am with it's stunning beauty and smooth, flowing graphics. You can view in-game movies and some beautiful screen shots at the Dungeon Siege web site if you'd like to see what the attraction is.

Be forewarned... this may happen again until DS' attraction wears of (2-3 years) ;)

Signed,
Co-Conspirator To Make The World A Better Place

http://www.microsoft.com/games/dungeonsiege/2a.asp

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GRINS & GIGGLES:
Is my time up?

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. 

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" And God replied, " I didn't recognize you." 

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CYBERSPACE ALERT:
Online Book

Turn off the lights and unplug the phones! Get ready to "experience" some very good fiction. This site is one of the best examples I've seen of the development of an online novel. They use Flash (very compact and quick-loading) to tell the story and the sound effects are so good that it's spooky!

www.brokensaints.com

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MEATSPACE ALERT:

HOSED:
The Town of Niagra, N.Y., has identified a significant fire danger: one of its two fire departments. The entire squad of Niagara Fire Company No. 1 was suspended by the town after an audit by an independent expert determined the squad's practices present "an imminent danger to themselves, the town's other fire company and town residents." Town Supervisor Steven C. Richards said the board of supervisors will allow the fire company to continue its training efforts. (Buffalo News) ...Continue, or start?

SCHOOL ZONE:
Dale Rooks, a crossing guard at Suter Elementary School in Pensacola, Fla., made news when he tried to fool speeding motorists into slowing down by wrapping an old hair dryer with black electrical tape to make it look like a radar gun. Inspired, a group of fifth-graders at the school set up a lemonade stand and used the proceeds to buy Rooks a real radar gun. "It looks just like a hair dryer," he said. (AP) ...It isn't until sixth grade that kids learn, "If it's not broke, don't fix it."

I HEAR VOICES:
NXT in Cambridge, England, has introduced its first product: $45 stereo speakers that are made out of cardboard, designed for people who give parties and are afraid guests might ruin their more expensive loudspeakers. But that's not the company's ultimate dream.

They hope to be able to produce speakers so cheaply that companies can install them in their packaging. That way, manufacturers will be able to play commercials from the packages to people walking down store aisles. "Cornflake packets will come when we have the right material,"
a company spokesman said. (AFP) ...If you think radio commercials are obnoxious, you ain't heard nothing yet.

WHY YOUR KIDS ARE TOO FAT -- PART 2,374 IN AN UNENDING SERIES:
Ketchup maker H.J. Heinz Company, which now sells its sauce in green and purple as well as the natural red, is looking for more things to pour ketchup on. It turned to its subsidiary, Ore-Ida, maker of Tater Tots and frozen french fries. "We asked the kids what would make them want to eat more french fries," said company spokesman John Carroll. The result, coming soon to your grocer's freezer: "Cinna-Stiks" (fries laced with cinnamon and sugar) and "Cocoa Crispers" (chocolate-flavored fries) "for kids with a sweet tooth." But don't worry: after testing, extra-sugar fat-laden potatoes flavored like Froot Loops cereal were rejected. (AP) ...Of course -- they tasted too much like real food.

RELAX! WE'RE JUST TRYING TO CHEER YOU UP:
"You Can't Help Being a Grumpy Old Sourpuss, It's How Your Brain Is" -- London Observer headline 

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TRUE STORY:
Would you like a glass of Water? 

We all know that water is important but I've never seen it written down like this before. 

Water 
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population) 

2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger. 

3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%. 

4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 
100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study. 

5. Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue. 

6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers. 

7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page. 

8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 
50% less likely to develop bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day? 

COKE 
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident. 

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days. 

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. 
The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china. 

4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola. 

5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. 

6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. 

7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a scrumptious brown gravy. 

8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. 

For Your Info 
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis. 

2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material placards reserved for Highly corrosive materials. 

3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! 

Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or coke? 

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FUN SITE:
Cool sites you might want to check out.

Need a word that rhymes with, sounds like, or is spelled like another word? Check out one of my favorite sites: www.rhymezone.com.

Looking for a unique product or company name? (There aren't many left.) Want to waste hours? Try www.nameboy.com. 

Ever been to a meeting that sounds like the presenter is speaking in another language? If acronyms are the problem, write them down, then go to www.acronymfinder.com.

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Discovery Channel

I was delighted to see this program on TV about teaching Chimpanzees language. Although they don't use American Sign Language (ASL) with these chimps, which is what I'm primarily interested in, it's truly amazing to see them grasp the early reading/writing lessons. I also found it very interesting to learn that Chimp vocalizations communicate specific ideas (eg. grapes, apples, lettuce and bananas) to each other. This is the first time, that I know of, that someone has shown an animal other than humans to be using speach-based language!

Keeli and Ivy: Chimps Like Us
Join us for an exclusive glimpse into the evolution of our species and language through Dr. Sally Boysen's ground breaking research with chimpanzees, our primate cousins.

When we meet them, Keeli and Ivy are toddler chimps, living at Ohio State University's Chimpanzee Center, where Dr. Boysen hopes to make science history by teaching them to read and write using computer touch-screens and to produce novel symbol or letter combinations, a sign of language. Will they be the first chimps to be able to tell us what's on their minds?

Narrated by Kelsey Grammer, Keeli and Ivy: Chimps Like Us follows Dr. Boysen as she works with Keeli and Ivy while they play, discover and learn. It is a remarkable one-hour window into an intelligence that may be close to our own.

Monday, April 22
8 p.m. ET/PT

Sunday, April 28
noon ET/PT

http://dsc.discovery.com/convergence/chimps/game/game.html
http://dsc.discovery.com/convergence/chimps/chimps.html

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QUICK WIT:
Action creates memory and memory creates desire. Desire produces further action which continues the cycle. To be aware of this reality and to master your actions are the keys to creating happiness.


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